Who’s minding the kids?

For many males, this motivation to tackle the business world has lost its appeal and that day-to-day contact with their children is appearing to be more rewarding. With the man at home, women are now able to pursue their own interests and follow their ambitions.

As recently as 25 years ago, an arrangement such as this was completely unknown as it was typical for fathers to have less contact with their child than the mother. But attitudes and lifestyles are changing and so has the stereotypical family.

Situations where fathers remain at home and the mother is the major breadwinner can really function quite well. Her position may demand a substantial amount of time at the office so the father will undertake the majority of chores and of course the childrearing. Typically, when she arrives home, she will take over but her mothering time is limited. Now she must balance her work and home life while also attempting to relieve her husband from his long, exhausting day with the kids and housework.

Andrea Doucet, a sociology professor at Carleton University in Ottawa, has seen the evolution in the parenting pattern. “There is this trend of fathers being involved in the home-work balance equation, which has traditionally been a great stress for women.” She said. Through her research during the last five years based on following stay-at-home dads, she discovered that that in Ontario, fathers are playing a larger role in families since the provincial government changed maternity benefits to include both parents. Statistics Canada found that almost 8,000 men received parental benefits each month, which is five times higher than two years before. In addition in that same year, Canada had almost 110,000 stay-at-home dads which is a 25 per cent increase from a decade earlier. There could even be more, as many men don’t admit their status on the census form, as they are sensitive to the fact that being home is not a masculine choice.

One 37-year-old Quebec security company owner decided to sell his company to look after his son. What was supposed to be six months turned out to be three and a half years. He actually fell into the role out of circumstance as his wife was making more money than he was, so it just made more sense to switch the conventional into a better arrangement.

There are other reasons why men may opt for this change of course. Some Dads are older and were once financially successful so they are not pressured by a second income. There are also Dads between careers who want to take a break, or some who work part time, have flexible hours and are able to use the Internet to conduct business. In order for this situation to function effectively, couples must envision themselves as equal partners in everything especially in parenting. Children must be the priority above what’s traditional. Occasionally this agreement is made out of practicality and what’s better for the family or simply there are many men who may possess that nurturing personality and are better geared towards child rearing.

The effects of this role reversal on the marriage are apt to cause some speculation. If it is a mutual choice, then it can truly enhance the relationship and eliminate the stress that daycare may instigate. If, on the other hand it occurs because the couple is forced into it due to the fact that the husband cannot provide for the children, then the special bond between father and children may not transpire as he is forced into this lifestyle. But realistically this transitioning into new roles does take time and no matter how sure you may be with it, many men do experience a sense of loss in not being the breadwinner. There is also that feeling of loneliness, isolation and a lost identity that was based on achievement. Swimming against the cultural norms are always difficult for everyone. In a book on the topic, 'Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys' by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, some essential truths about how we should define manliness are written: “There are many ways to become a man; there are many ways to be brave, to be a good father, to be loving strong and successful. We need to praise the artist and the entertainer, the missionary and the athlete, the soldier and the male nurse, the storeowner… There are many ways to make a contribution in this life.”

Men are not to be viewed as a stand-in for the mother as within time they do develop their own care giving style. Research has proven that children who were raised primarily by men were thriving but not because the fathers were home but because two parents were very involved in their lives. The definitions of our life roles are continually changing and we must adapt with the times as long as our true intentions are focused in the best interests of the entire family.