Fall predictions

- The controversial Montreal Agglom will be dismantled in favour of a new body consisting of two accountants and three chimpanzees on loan from the Granby Zoo.

This prompts Westmount Mayor Karin Marks to quip, “They make a lot more noise, and lunchtimes are certainly interesting, but at least it’s an improvement.”

- The City of Westmount’s decision to resurface Westmount Park playing fields with “natural grass” will lead to a false sense of self-importance for the local Bloc Pot candidate in the next provincial election.

- Having walked the entire length of Montreal Island on June 21, the Examiner’s own long-distance hiker Matthew Surridge will announce a new challenge — walking the length of King George Park in the middle of the night, curfew be damned.

- A West Island beauty pageant will be suddenly cancelled after several Anglophone contestants back out upon learning that one of the judges is Montreal city councillor Marvin Rotrand.

- A citizens’ movement to curb excess outdoor lighting in upper Westmount will get a boost from several local teenagers, who attend a council meeting to complain that floodlights from nearby homes are ruining the mood and seriously affecting their make-out sessions at the Summit lookout.

- From “Hands Off My City” to “Je me souviendrai,” a new protest slogan will be heard across mega-Montreal, this time coming from some of the faithful boroughs. Within just a few months, the “Oh, Crap! Is it Too Late to Demerge?” (“Zut! Est-ce que c’est trop tard?”) movement will gain momentum across the eastern portion of the island.

- An eighth community paper will appear in Westmount, prompting a visit by an official from the Guinness Book of World Records — and cheers of gratitude from local dog owners who know there is no such thing as having too much newspaper.