The Parenting Olympics

With the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics mere days away from kicking off, I thought there was no better time to bring to you, loyal readers, an idea that has been kicking around in my head for a long time.

Parents are busy people; usually the younger the kids, the busier they are, with all manner of day-to-day stuff that needs taking care of. Changing diapers, doing laundry, making meals, snacks, lunches for school and keeping track of it all make for a life that some parents didn't even realize they'd signed up for – yet must deal with nonetheless.

All these things that relatively new parents must deal with come at a cost – and that cost is often their social lives, personal time and leisure activities, including sports played for recreation.

So, to help parents satisfy their jones for competition, here are my Parenting Olympics 2010; feel free to take part in one, or all of the events and send me your times. I will post the winners in a couple of weeks and hand out the medals.

1) The Poopy Diaper Change: competitors must be faced with a baby who has just filled their diaper with the meanest, most noxious substance known to man, ideally with the poop slipping up the back of the baby's shirt, thus increasing the degree of difficulty. Competitors must change the baby as quickly as possible, maintaining a 100-per-cent rate of cleanliness on the infant (points will be deducted for poopheels or uncleaned feces on the back) and putting the baby in a whole new set of clothes.

2) The Sandwich Make: Competitors must make three different sandwiches, with different combinations of ingredients and condiments, as quickly as possible. To add extra levels of difficulty, have someone change their order as soon as their sandwich is ready, thus forcing the competitor to have to make a fourth sandwich while racing the clock. Sandwiches must be cut to judge's specifications, which can include cutting the crusts off or shaping the sandwich halves into dinosaurs or something equally complex. The sandwiches must then be served with beverages – in the right colour cup. Don't have the right colour cup? Get washin', my friend.

3) The Hurry-Up Cleanup: You've got relatives coming over soon and you want them to see your house at its best. 'But,' you say, 'I have kids and I never have my house at its best.' This, then, is your big chance. Competitors must clear the floor of at least three rooms, including the kids' playroom, as quickly as possible, and throwing everything you see in the garbage is against the rules and is akin to testing positive for human growth hormone, and don't try telling us that your friend was smoking some at a party and that's why you tested positive.

4) The Laundry Shuffle: If you've got more than one child, you start to realize pretty fast that you will lose between two and three years of your life doing laundry, so we've made an effort to speed you up. Competitors have three hours to take laundry from its depository (usually bedrooms) and take them to the laundry room (usually the basement) and do four loads of laundry, dry it and fold it, before returning to its depository. Note: this event is available in the solo and team format. In the team format, one must transport the laundry and the other must fold it. In the team competition, no competitor is allowed to do both. Extra points are awarded if the laundry is folded by a male and actually, you know, stays folded.