According to frazzled Facebook statuses across the city, Friday morning was a treacherous, chaotic mess. Buses weren't bussing, salt trucks weren't salting and commuters just weren't commuting. We were locked down, inert, paralyzed because of a half day of freezing rain. Flash-frozen, like the veggies in my freezer.
What astounds me is that - even though we have the technology that allows us to anticipate and prepare for severe weather - even though we've been dealing with winter for hundreds of generations - we still can't seem to get it right. Borough reps will argue they did have salt trucks out. Borough residents will say they didn't see one single salt truck. Unless, of course, it drove past at the exact moment that person was lying face-up on a patch of ice. Timing is everything.
The last two winters have been pretty easy on us (you have no idea how much wood laminate I'm knocking right now). Are we due for a monster of a season again? Who knows. But if we're messing up this early in the game, I'm afraid for what's to come. If we were as lawsuit-happy as our American friends, imagine all the daytime TV commercials we'd see for slip and fall injuries in this city alone? In lieu of suing the long johns off your fellow citizens, here are some handy tips on how to deal with icy sidewalks:
1. Every time you visit a restaurant with salt packets, pocket a few. Rip open individual packets and sprinkle ahead of you as you walk. In emergency situations, a pepper grinder will do nicely.
Are we due for a monster of a season again? Who knows. But if we're messing up this early in the game, I'm afraid for what's to come. -
2. Take the money we're wasting on maintaining the Big Owe and replace Montreal roadways with heated tiles.
3. Keep your knees slightly bent when walking on ice. It helps you maintain your balance. Plus, it’s more efficient if you need to leap over people who’ve already fallen and are blocking your way.
4. Ditch your Mariah Carey heels and get some proper footwear. Or see if Nick Cannon’s available to carry you.
5. Get some crampons. Yeah, I know what it rhymes with. Yeah, I'm giggling too.
6. Hold onto another person for stability. Plus, if you both end up falling, it's a funnier visual than just one person.
7. Wear extra padding in the event that you do fall. If you can discreetly tuck a couch cushion in your pants, that works well.
8. If you are elderly, add an ice pick to the end of your cane. Actually, just do that anyway. Mess with granny and she will cut you.
9. Bring snacks. If you get stuck on the ice, and it detaches from the sidewalk and sends you drifting in the St. Lawrence, you're gonna need snacks.
10. Do like I did last week. Eat some bad butter chicken and just stay home with your own brand of ‘crampons’. I wouldn’t recommend it, though.
